I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
mondays should just be called national damage control day
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
