I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
