There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
My boob is missing a layer of skin
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
