god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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