UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
