Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
