a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
