Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
