I think I won the penis lottery.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Who died my cat blue again?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
