It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
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