walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Randomize
