saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I love having hate sex.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
