I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
