I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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