Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
