You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
