Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
