How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
