She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
