You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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