his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
