she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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