Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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