Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
