I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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