Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
This house was built for laser tag.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
