Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
