sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
