i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
