last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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