The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
