even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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