ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
