There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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