Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
