So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
