Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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