Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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