I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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