Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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