She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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