I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Randomize
