i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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