i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
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