I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
