During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
