How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
