So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
