Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
