She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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