i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
