is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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