i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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