had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
