the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Randomize
