you traded sex for a burrito?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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