I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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