I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
