A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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