her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
