i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
porn star boner night. come get it.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
